During my cancer treatment, I had to have a feeding tube. This left a scar on my stomach, which I tend to hide under clothes to avoid having to explain what it is. However, I recently started going to the gym again, and doing so has helped me to step out of my comfort zone.
It was a warm day in May, and I’d just done a particularly intense workout. I was sweating, but hesitant to take off my top, as I knew my scar would be on show. There were thoughts swirling around my mind like “What if people think my body is weird?” “Will people stare at me?”.
Peeling back the layers of resistance that you’ve built up can make life so much easier.
Then, I started to rationalise things. I was hot, and the physical discomfort I felt became more than the mental discomfort I was battling with. As soon as I took off my top, I wanted to hide, but when I looked around and saw that nobody cared, I felt myself relax a little.
That one action cancelled out the fear that I’d kept inside me for so long. In the end, it was nowhere near as scary as I thought it would be. There was no need for me to be afraid.
Seeing myself in the mirror wearing gym clothes after a tough workout was empowering. Having cancer at such a young age, which left a lot of physical scarring on my body, was very hard as a woman. There are so many expectations about what we should look like, and it’s difficult not to internalise these.
Showing her scar at the gym turned out not to be as scary as Crystal thought
To commemorate this moment of self-confidence, I took a photo and posted it on social media. The response was beautifully positive. Everyone was so supportive, and it made me feel held by the visible difference community. I hugely appreciated it, because it was a vulnerable moment for me.
I go through ups and downs of loving my body, but that day I felt incredibly empowered. A few years ago, there’s no way that I would have had the confidence to show my stomach in a public space. I’ve avoided sports bras, bikinis and crop tops because of this, but maybe now I can take steps towards wearing what I want, without fearing people’s reactions.
We often exaggerate things in our mind, convincing ourselves that something is going to be much scarier than it is. That’s not to say that taking a step out of your comfort zone isn’t difficult. It takes time to heal and build enough confidence to be able to do so. But usually, the result is a positive one. Find empowerment through embracing your scars, marks and other visible differences.
You don’t need to rip the plaster off in one go, but peeling back the layers of resistance that you’ve built up can make life so much easier – it’s worth it.
