Knowing that you have up to an 85% lifetime chance of developing breast cancer is hard to hear and terrifying to live with. That is what I was told at the age of 33. You see, I carry a BRCA2 mutation which means that I have a high risk of developing breast, ovarian and pancreatic cancers.
I didn’t have cancer, but I feared what might develop inside my body and potentially kill me if I didn’t act. Being a mum, I wanted to be here to see my children grow up, so the logical solution for me was to have a risk reducing mastectomy with implant reconstruction and to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed. These surgeries gave me peace of mind but left me with unnatural looking breasts with no nipples, that could only be likened to “Barbie boobs” and several scars on my chest.
Being in a relationship at that time, I felt safe and accepted. However, after that relationship broke down and I found myself as part of the dating game, I felt different and vulnerable to men’s views on how women should look.
Ten years after my initial surgery, I had complications with my implants. Ironically, there were concerns that the implants that had replaced the breasts that would potentially kill me with breast cancer had given me another form of cancer. I had to have biopsies, scans, and surgeries to try to find out whether I had this rare cancer, leading to more scars. The only definitive way to find out was to remove the implants to test them. I had the option for new implants but at this point I was so terrified of the potential for things to go wrong again that I opted to go flat.
Caroline sees having a mastectomy as her choosing life
Thankfully, test results showed that I didn’t have cancer. I have never regretted my decision for the initial mastectomy or for going flat, but it has made me “different” and to some, less of a woman.
Approaching online dating with any kind of difference can be hard. You are immediately judged on looks without being given a chance to show who you are beyond that. I have always been a very strong, empowered woman and felt very comfortable in my skin but recently I have had experiences that have left me feeling hurt, judged and sad.
One man was very proud of his honesty, telling me that I was a lovely, attractive person, who was fun to be with, but he couldn’t cope with me not having breasts. Another was very keen and chatty until the point when I told him I was flat and then he immediately blocked me.
Having a mastectomy and dating has been hard. Being judged on how I look, rather than who I am at my core hurts me. I am proud of my scars – to me they say that I chose life over the unknown and made empowered decisions that have enabled me to be here for my loved ones.
Living in an appearance-obsessed society with a visible difference is challenging. There is so much more to me than the way I look, and yet some people are unwilling to dig deeper. However, I’m of the opinion that those people don’t deserve to be part of my life. Don’t let other people’s ignorance diminish your love for yourself.
