I was born with a haemangioma on my face, which is a type of raised birthmark. Throughout my childhood, I struggled with people’s reactions to my visible difference. I dealt with a lot of staring and nasty comments and constantly felt like an outsider.
At 16 years old, I decided that I wanted to remove my birthmark. I knew that I’d be replacing my birthmark with a scar, but that felt more manageable for me. And it was. My scar was less noticeable than my birthmark and it could effectively be covered by makeup.
However, living with a visible difference my whole life has had a considerable impact on my confidence and the way I approach relationships. When I first meet people, I worry that the person will notice my scar before they notice anything else about me. I find myself overthinking small interactions and convincing myself that people are judging my appearance, even if they aren’t.
Dating when you have a facial scar, or any visible difference, can be really challenging. Rather than focusing on my date and the conversation we’re having, I’ll find myself distracted by trying to guess what they’re thinking about my scar. They might not have even noticed it, but I’ll replay conversations in my head and analyse whether they kept looking at it. This can make building a genuine connection difficult.
Being in a relationship doesn’t automatically make our insecurities disappear either. When I’ve been in a relationship, I’ve found it can be hard to believe my partner’s compliments because of how I see myself. Every time I look in the mirror, I notice my scar, so my mind says that they must always be aware of it too.
It’s only natural to worry about people judging you if that’s what you’ve experienced during your life, but don’t let your own insecurities stop you from finding an amazing connection with someone.
This way of thinking can be exhausting. I want to be loved for all of who I am, not despite my scar, and I need to apply those same values to myself as well as the person that I’m in a relationship with. The negative thoughts I have are not the truth. My perception isn’t always an accurate reflection of reality.
I have mental health conditions that can make dismissing these negative thoughts difficult, but I’m working on recognising when my conditions are speaking rather than my own voice. It’s time that I showed myself the same kindness that I’d naturally show someone else.
Some days it’s a challenge not to focus on the parts of myself that I’d like to change, but over time, I’m learning that the people who want to get to know me are interested in me as a person, not just how I look. Confidence isn’t about having perfect skin; it’s about allowing myself to be seen as I am.
I’ve found that being open about my feelings and worries can build stronger, more honest relationships. My scar may be part of my story, but it isn’t what defines me. The right people will know that, and will value my personality, kindness and the way I make them feel over my appearance.
Dating when you have a visible difference can feel overwhelming. It’s only natural to worry about people judging you if that’s what you’ve experienced during your life, but don’t let your own insecurities stop you from finding an amazing connection with someone. We are all worth more than our looks alone. If someone can’t recognise that, then they were never right for you anyway!
