Planning ahead for the new school year: your child with a visible difference webinar – Q&A

Our planning ahead for the new school year- your child with a visible difference webinar can be watched on demand here.

The answers below cover both questions asked on the night and those we didn’t have time to address.  In some cases we have summarised the answer, so may differ slightly to the answer given.

What advice is there for responding when older children, or groups of children, make comments about a visible difference — particularly when it doesn’t feel like a straightforward question, but something a bit more tricky to respond to?

Having a few prepared, rehearsed lines ready in advance can help. These can be developed together with support from a therapist or medical team, and can include as much or as little detail as the young person wants to share, giving them control over how much they disclose about their visible difference. Planned responses can reduce the anxiety these situations provoke, as long as whatever is chosen feels personal and comfortable to the young person. Not everyone will want to respond in the moment, some may prefer to report an incident later, or respond non-verbally, for example through eye contact or facial expression. Rehearsing responses in real time, rather than only planning them mentally, can be valuable, as it builds the kind of “muscle memory” around tone and delivery that helps a young person feel more confident when a situation actually arises. Meeting school staff, such as the SEN or support team, before starting secondary school can also help. Building familiarity with staff in advance can ease anxiety about having to advocate for oneself in a new and unfamiliar environment. Workshops (such as Rise by Coman Kidscape) that focus on building practical tools and strategies can also help young people feel more equipped and more in control of these situations. Confidence doesn’t always come naturally in the moment, and “faking it” can be a genuine step towards building real confidence over time. It’s also worth remembering that every day is different, if a response doesn’t go as hoped on one occasion, there is always another opportunity to try again.

A parent shared that they were worried their child was masking how they were really feeling after experiencing comments or questions from others. What’s the best way to respond or offer reassurance, and how might this be addressed with other parents?

Masking is common, and there can be many reasons behind it, sometimes it happens at school, and sometimes it happens to protect a parent, since children often pick up on their parent’s own feelings and energy. It helps to give a young person space to come forward in their own time, rather than pressuring them to talk. Letting them know that support is available, whether that’s with a parent, another family member, or a professional, can make it easier for them to open up when they’re ready. Comfortable, low-pressure settings, such as during a shared activity, can make it easier for a young person to talk when they feel safe and confident. It’s also worth remembering that a young person may push back or say difficult things at times, and staying calm and letting them know you’re still there can make a real difference. Because a young person may have been masking their feelings all day, emotions can come out intensely once they get home. This reaction shouldn’t be taken personally, it’s often a sign that home feels like a safe space to let those feelings out. It can also help for parents to reflect on whether their own worries might be shaping how they see the situation, since young people are often more resilient than assumed.

What tips or advice can help build confidence and self-esteem in a young person after they’ve experienced difficult comments, treatment from others, or bullying?

Confidence isn’t built overnight, it tends to come from a combination of different approaches over time. For some people, psychotherapy can provide a safe space for a young person to process the changes happening in their life and how they feel about their visible difference. Getting involved in an activity unrelated to the visible difference, something the young person is naturally good at, such as a sport, or a creative pursuit like art or painting, can help shift focus away from appearance and build confidence through developing a skill they enjoy and excel at. Reminding a young person that they are so much more than their visible difference, through hobbies such as sport, swimming, reading or writing, can help build a broader and stronger sense of identity. Confidence-building is an ongoing process. There will be good days and harder days, and that’s entirely normal. Allowing space for both, without expecting constant positivity, is important. Creating balance also matters, surrounding a young person with positive voices, at home and within friendships, helps counter negative comments and reduce the power imbalance often present in bullying situations. Providing other outlets, activities, interests, or communities where a young person can build friendships outside of a difficult situation. helps reinforce that the situation doesn’t define who they are.

What are the most effective ways to work with teachers and the wider school community to make sure my child feels safe, understood, and included without making them feel singled out or different in a negative way?

The feedback from our community is that experiencing comments, questions or stares can feel anxiety provoking particularly if they don’t know how to respond. These reactions can increase when going into a new setting or when meeting new people so talking and rehearsing in advance about how they would like to respond can reduce anxiety. By having these conversations, it also demonstrates that you are a safe person to speak to. Sometimes parents share they feel worried about bringing the topic up, in case it sends messaging that their visible difference is a big thing, however its important the young person feels able to talk to you about how they feel or challenges they may be navigating. You can ensure your tone and messaging is relaxed whilst also suggested it may be helpful to have a tool in case they need it. You can practice using our ERD tool with them which helps them to control the narrative, how much information they want to share, and how much time is spent talking about it (it includes strategies for diverting the conversation). We recommend sharing the resources we have for schools in advance where possible as it broadens the young persons support network and helps other professionals to be proactive in creating an inclusive environment whilst feeling more confident in addressing any issues that may come up.

My son , aged 4 , was victim of a dog attack to the face. I was shocked to learn there is no dedicated pathway for dog attack victims. I have decided to create a petition to bring this to light which is currently at 34,000. My question is how do you deal with the difficult conversations / trauma if you don’t have the correct support without going private?

It is so positive to hear that you have been able to highlight the support needed and great you have already reached so many people with your petition. Supporting a young person who has been through a traumatic incident can feel really tough. The most important thing you can do for them as a parent, is try to help them to feel safe and able to talk to you about anything that is worrying them. Let them control the conversation, acknowledge how they are feeling and offer choices around what might be helpful to them. We would also encourage you to reach out to us on our Support and Information Line so we can discuss specific resources and explore options with you.