Your questions answered

People always stare at my daughter when we go out. They make rude comments, keep asking what happened or point. It makes me so angry and I don't know what to say or do.

Noticing difference is something that we all do even if it is to just look a bit longer or ask questions in our own head. But when strangers see someone who has a visible difference, they can forget their manners and find the confidence to ask personal questions or call out names or stare. Such responses can leave parents and children feeling awkward, upset or embarrassed and aware that they cannot go out in public without being noticed..

If you can learn how to deal effectively with these responses both you and your child will feel more confident and in control when you are out.

Here are a number of suggestions:

• Smile at the person. This is often enough to break a stare. You don't always have to respond to a comment. Something like a smile, or saying "Hello" let's people know that you are OK and suggests that they can be friendly the next time they meet you.
• Give a simple explanation like, "It's the way Jordan was born" or "It is a birthmark" or "Mary was born with a cleft lip. The doctors fixed it when she was little. That is the scar from the operation."
• Acknowledge people's stares by saying something like, "I see you noticed my daughter, she was born with Goldenhar." or "It is just a birthmark. No need to stare." Sometimes it helps to then move the conversation on by focusing on something familiar like, "This is her favourite toy. We never leave home without it". This may be the end of the conversation or it may start a normal parental conversation.
• If you are having a bad day it's more important to look after yourself so don't feel you have to have a response at the ready. It is enough to be able to say to yourself, "We're ok and we'll show them that we're ok."

Many parents have found it useful to talk over their concerns with Changing Faces. Being able to talk about how other people's reactions affect them and discussing the options together has helped parents to feel more confident in handling these situations.