Your questions answered

My son has started to notice that he looks different from other children and he's asking me questions. How should I deal with this?

It is natural for children to become curious and to notice difference. As children start to communicate they will point out differences or ask about it. You might feel uncertain about what to say or whether to say anything at all. There are ways you can introduce talking about difference in a way that doesn't make too big a deal of it but helps them to develop a positive image of their visible difference and the confidence to talk about it easily.

You are probably used to talking about your child's body and appearance regularly in every day conversation as you help them to learn the names of their hands, fingers, ears, eyes, legs etc. This is the perfect opportunity to include their difference in conversation without having to give long explanations. You could say, "this is your red birthmark", "This is your small ear, this is your big ear".

Children will notice if there is a particular feature that is ignored when features and body parts are mentioned which may lead them to believe that it is something to avoid talking about. As they grow older they may not only find it difficult to ask you further questions about it but also to talk to anyone else they trust about any concerns of feelings.

Although you might not always find it easy to talk to children about their difference, here are some basic tips that can help:

• Provide your child with a simple name or description of their condition that is appropriate to their level of understanding
• Be truthful
• Use comparisons with something they know (it is like Daddy's mole, just bigger)
• Use descriptive language that makes reference to things like colour, shape, size (e.g. my skin is raised and red in this area, it doesn't hurt)

It is fine to give your child's condition a positive description (e.g. special mark), but try to include other descriptions too, particularly as a child grows older so that they can learn words that will help explain it to other people e.g. "When I was born one side of my face was smaller / different to the other."

If you are struggling with finding a way to talk to your child about their difference you might find it helpful to speak with a member of the Children and Young People's Service at Changing Faces for some more suggestions and support for you. Do call us on 0845 4500 275 or email info@changingfaces.org.uk