Bullying: The impact of your own personal experience on the support you offer your child

It is natural to be concerned about your child’s welfare and to want to protect your child from bullying. If your child is being bullied it is likely to evoke strong feelings.

You may feel angry and want to rush in and sort it out. You may feel helpless to stop it. You may feel hurt but also feel strongly that you, your child and the school can work together to sort it out. Your feelings and your response to bullying will be influenced by the beliefs you hold and also by your personal experience (both as an adult and when you were a child).

 

Following the advice given to parents on 'what to do if you think your child is being bullied' may be difficult if your personal experience and feelings are paramount. If you feel helpless, being assertive and talking to school may be difficult, as may supporting your child. If you are finding yourself angry and wanting to aggressively confront the school (or the bully’s parents) it will be hard to help your child  to be calm and hard to be there to listen to your child. If you are finding your feelings and response to your child’s bullying overwhelming it can help to step back for an hour or two, to look at the questions below and try to separate your beliefs and feelings from your child’s before you take any action.

Here are some beliefs that parents may hold about bullying. Do any of these apply to you? Do you disagree with any or believe the complete opposite to some of them?

• Bullying is not OK
• Those who bully should be punished
• My child has the right to fight back
• It doesn't do any good to tell a teacher
• Children need to learn to sort it out themselves
• Bullying doesn't happen at my child's school
• Bullying doesn't harm a child, it toughens them up
• Bullying happens and both the bully and the victim need support
• It is the school's responsibility to deal with it
• It is my responsibility as a parent to talk to school and to support my child
• It is important to believe a child who says they are being bullied
• I don't believe I can influence the teacher/school's response to bullying
• Bullying can leave people's self-confidence and self-esteem severely damaged

Now, try casting your mind back to when you were a child (maybe at primary school or secondary school). Thinking about the following may help you to understand where your feelings and beliefs come from. It may also help you to imagine what your child might be feeling:

• Did you fit in at school?
• Did you feel different?
• Did you get picked on, teased or bullied? (this may because of appearance, disfigurement or something completely different like being the clever one)
• What happened? Did adults (parents, teacher or someone else) help you out? Did any other children at school help you?
• Even if you weren't bullied or teased maybe you could think about what it would be like to feel lonely or helpless or angry and wanting to fight back.

Now that you have had a chance to think back to what it was like when you were a child you may have a better idea of where your beliefs come from and how these and your personal experiences may be influencing your feelings and your approach to your child's bullying.

Now, you can go back to the ideas on 'what to do if you think your child is being bullied' . Take a look at these again. It may be a little easier to separate your own feelings from your child's experience. If you feel overwhelmed you can ask yourself, is this about how I feel now, about how I felt as a child or is this about how my child might be feeling? Now, try focus on what you can do to support your child:

• Can you listen to your child and acknowledge his/her feelings?
• Can you think about how you are going to approach your child's school?
• Can you write down the facts to share with the school?
• Will you be able to help your child to be assertive?
• Do you need to find any extra support for yourself or your child?

If you are still feeling overwhelmed by your feelings or finding it hard to take action regarding your child's bullying you may want find further support. You can start by talking to someone: a friend, a partner or a counsellor or you could phone Changing Faces for further support. There are further ideas on finding support regarding bullying at http://www.beatbullying.org/docs/help/top_tips_for_parents.html